Tell me your jokes!
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fruitbowl 1
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Tell me your jokes!
In this thread you can write your best or/and worst jokes!
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IceColDBulleT
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Re: Tell me your jokes!
I saw this joke on Scrubs: 'Why do you have a smiley and a gun in your bag?' 'One for when I get sad, and one for when I get really sad.'
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Blade
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Re: Tell me your jokes!
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"
I luv my doggies
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fruitbowl 2
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IceColDBulleT
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Re: Tell me your jokes!
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!"
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!"
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Blade
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Re: Tell me your jokes!
Well...I dunno if this is a dirty but lets see 
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
What a woman says...
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left... The phone rings at Billy Bob's house:
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
I luv my doggies
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IceColDBulleT
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Re: Tell me your jokes!
Last Day on the Job
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
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fruitbowl 2
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IceColDBulleT
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Re: Tell me your jokes!
Fruitbowl, doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Tell us.
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fruitbowl 2
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Re: Tell me your jokes!
Okay then! This one is probably worst! 
A man were jumping on a well cover and said: "31, 31, 31". Then a police officer came and asked: "Why are you jumping and saying 31, 31, 31?" The man answered: "It's funny! You should test to!"
"Okay", said the officer, and started. But in that second the man drag away the cover, closed it again and started to jump again and said: 32, 32 ,32....
See? I'm no good comedian
A man were jumping on a well cover and said: "31, 31, 31". Then a police officer came and asked: "Why are you jumping and saying 31, 31, 31?" The man answered: "It's funny! You should test to!"
"Okay", said the officer, and started. But in that second the man drag away the cover, closed it again and started to jump again and said: 32, 32 ,32....
See? I'm no good comedian
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fruitbowl 1
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Re: Tell me your jokes!
N1 blade and laughed good after reading yours too, icy! and 2, that's a classic Bellman joke, the swedes here will probably recognize it aswell!
and 2, that's a classic Bellman joke, the swedes here will probably recognize it aswell!Asus M4A89GTD Pro | AMD Phenom II X4 955 Black Edition @ 3.2GHz | ASUS EAH5770 + Sapphire Vapor-X HD5770 in CF | Corsair XMS3 Venegeance 2x4GB CL9 | Western Digital Caviar Black 750GB |OCZ ModXStream Pro 600W | Fractal Design Define R4
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Scoarden
Re: Tell me your jokes!
Justin Beiber walks by- Elementary school: OMG OMG OMG OMG JUSTIN BIIEBERRRRRRRRRRR! *screams* Middle school: OOO A FAMOUS PERSON! High school: OMFG WHERES MY SHOTGUN?!?!?!
Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.
A plane was gonna crash, and there where 5 people and 4 parachutes.a mothere said:i have kids to look after so she took a parachute and went,then a teacher said:i have children to teach.so she took 1 and went off,then george bush said, i have land to rule so he went off, and there was a young boy left and a old man, and only 1 parachute, the man said:you go, ime gonna die soon anyway,and the boy said:we can both go, georg bush is so stupid he took my schoolbag
This one is hard, but still good
A boy gave his girlfriend a challenge; to live a day without him & if she did it he would love her more. The girl agreed and she didnt talk to him for a day without knowing he had only 24 hours so live because he was suffering from cancer. She went to his house the next day tears falling from her eyes as she saw him lying in a coffin with a note on the side:'You did it baby,you can do it everyday
Little Johnny got kicked out of class today! The teacher asked him, "If I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Jane and £5 to Katie, what would you have?" Apparently, "Three blowjobs and enough left for a kebab," was the wrong answer.
A plane was gonna crash, and there where 5 people and 4 parachutes.a mothere said:i have kids to look after so she took a parachute and went,then a teacher said:i have children to teach.so she took 1 and went off,then george bush said, i have land to rule so he went off, and there was a young boy left and a old man, and only 1 parachute, the man said:you go, ime gonna die soon anyway,and the boy said:we can both go, georg bush is so stupid he took my schoolbag
This one is hard, but still good
A boy gave his girlfriend a challenge; to live a day without him & if she did it he would love her more. The girl agreed and she didnt talk to him for a day without knowing he had only 24 hours so live because he was suffering from cancer. She went to his house the next day tears falling from her eyes as she saw him lying in a coffin with a note on the side:'You did it baby,you can do it everyday
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fruitbowl 2
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Re: Tell me your jokes!
Hahaha really nice Anterro! I laughed very much when I read the 3rd with the parachutes!